A Testaburger-Cartman cocktail
by masseffectrules
Summary: Cartman and wendy are having a baby join them in the journey
1. Chapter 1

Wendy were are you it's 3 o clock in the morning your suppose to be in bed with me.

I'm in the bathroom Eric, I'm not feeling all that well I think I my have eaten some food that has gone bad I've been vomiting for the past hour.

Do you want me to take you to the doctor your not a person that gets sick easily this could be serious.

No honey I think we should wait this could be nothing.

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2 days Later….

Wendy your still sick were going to hell's pass right now get in the car and no complaining get me.

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At the hospital

Mr. and Mrs. Cartman I have some good news for you.

How can you have good news for us doctor, my wife has been puking her guts out for two days, you personally started treating her for dehydration and you say you have good news.

Eric me being sick is not the doctor's fault what is it doctor.

Well Mrs. Cartman do you follow the royals by any chance.

What the hell does the royals have to do with my wife being sick asshole, did they try to invade America again and decide to use some biological weapon.

Eric manners please continue doctor.

Well it was just that the same thing happened to Kate Middelton then to you.

Not a bio-weapon then.

Cartman I'm warning you, what do you mean doctor.

You have severe morning sickness Mrs. Cartman that is why I said it's good news your going to have a baby.

De fuck!

Eric language! And aren't you happy about this!

Yea sure I'm happy I was just surprised that's all I mean I love you very much and of course I love myself so someone that is both you and me will be very cool.

Apologize to the doctor for your language Eric!

I'm sorry doctor I was just surprised.

It's fine Mr. Cartman your not the first at least you two are married and not teenagers that screwed up.

I guess that's true doc when can Wendy come home?

I want to monitor her over night because of the dehydration she can be discharged tomorrow.

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The next day Cartman home.

Eric I'm still not completely sure you're happy about this baby.

Don't worry honey I'm very happy I really was just surprised it wasn't as if we were trying to get pregnant.

It wasn't like we were not either.

It's just there so much stuff the most happen now baby shopping, getting the room ready, all your doctor stuff.

Calm down Eric I'm only about a month along we still have a while to go and I will be with you all the way.

And I'll be there for you Wendy, I love you.

And I love you Eric Theodore Cartman.

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A/N hope you enjoy apologies for any errors reviews will be welcome do you want it to go for the entire pregnancy?

I will not be posting on the weekend since I will not be at office and my Laptop died.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N. This chapter is set about three weeks after the first.

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Wendy I'm home, how has your day been hon?

It's been good, morning sickness isn't so bad anymore, what have you been doing today?

I've been doing the my favorite thing in the world performance reviews of the employees.

Eric don't be sarcastic with me I know how mush you hate those things and besides I didn't force you into judicial management.

Ye I know it wasn't you it was the paycheck sorry it's just that seven of those fucking things takes me an entire day and at the end of the year we are forced to moderate the fucking score down so no one gets a bonus anyway.

I know it frustrates you, here I bought you some beer.

You bought me beer? What are you hiding Wendy?

Well I invited Stan, Kyle and Kenny over for dinner tonight.

You invited Fag, Jew and Sour milk over for dinner without asking me? Damn Wendy that's not cool not cool at all.

Cartman don't pull your fourth grade act on me I'm not in the mood for it, besides we have to tell them about the baby before I start showing and Cartman not that I'm validating your little rant earlier but why is Kenny sour milk I get the others but why sour milk

Oh that I come up with that one in 3rd grade because poor people always smells like sour milk.

I'm glad that Cartman is mostly dead but he was genius some times.

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45 min later Cartman living room

Welcome to my humble home, Jew

Fatass

Faggot

Fatass

Sour milk

Fatass

Ok gentleman now that we have the formalities out of the way how have you guys been?

Well I should never have followed my in father's footsteps geology is boring as fuck.

Careful with your language Stan you know how much of a goody two shows Wendy has become.

Jeez Cartman you really are whipped aren't you.

No Kenny I'm not whipped, ok maybe a little but it has it's rewards.

Sick Cartman now I have that picture in my head gross.

It's not sick it's wonderful and don't give me crap because Bebe found out that you're a butt fucker and left your sorry ass.

Bebe is in Europe modeling asshole.

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Wendy enters

Hi guys

Hi Wendy

So Wendy should we tell them now

Yes Eric I think we should tell them.

Your getting a divorce I knew it wouldn't last.

No Jew fag were not getting a divorce and Wendy before you say something sorry for my language.

Nice _ex posto _ _facto _apology Mr. Law no guys I'm pregnant that is the news that prompted this little dinner party tonight.

Your pregnant how?

Kyle didn't you pay attention in health class.

Sick the pictures are back yuck.

Kyle stop it were very happy for you.

Thanks Stan.

Cartman reproduced the world is going to end.

Kyle if you say one more thing that can make my wife unhappy then I'll murder you and feed you to Bebe.

Stop it both of you I'm sure Kyle was just joking right Kyle.

Yes Cartman sorry I'm crazy for admitting this but I am really happy for you two.

I'm happy for you guys to so Kenny makes three.

A/N that little rant about performance reviews is how I personally feel because I have the same job as Cartman. Kyle and Kenny's jobs will be revealed in later chapters I wanted to give them the same jobs as my three closest friends but having three research PhD's from one small town would be weird I met my friends at grad school I only have a masters anyway. I know this sounds like the big bang theory but my closest friend is 600 km away and furthest lives in Scotland now so no late night Chinese for us.

Hope you like it if not go away. Cartman will stay whipped like a father should be.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N This is set at the six week point of the pregnancy

Hurry up Eric I don't want to be late for our first appointment with the OB-GYN.

I'm only taking this long because your making me dress all fancy for this guy, jeez Wendy it only a doctors appointment for fuck sake.

Cartman! I've warned you about your language before.

I am sorry your highness, this commoner shall not besmirch they hearing again.

And now you're being sarcastic great!

I'm sorry! But why is this doctors appointment so important to you?

Think Cartman, we are going to see this doctor on a regular basis for the next seven months I want to make a good impression on him.

If he doesn't treat you like a queen my foot is going to make a good impression on his ass.

Ok honey I think I can let that one slide.

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At the Doctor's office during the ultrasound

Here Mr. Cartman if you look closely you can see your baby forming.

Shit it looks like one of those fish-frogs that Garrison showed us during that lesson on evolution.

Eric Cartman that's our Baby!

Sorry honey my tourettes seems to be acting up today and I think your being over sensitive because your hormonal.

And your being an ass Cartman! Plus your tourettes is only apparent when it is convenient.

Not always, this one time I almost told a very disturbing secret on national Television.

Mr. and Mrs. Cartman can we please focus on the baby.

Were sorry doctor aren't we Eric.

Yes sorry doctor please go on.

Your child seems to be developing fine he or she is about the size of a BB pellet which is to be expected there is no indication of any spinal malformation and the amniotic sac appears to be perfectly placed, all and all this situation appears textbook.

So doctor when can we know the gender.

Not for I few more visits I'm afraid.

Eric maybe we should leave it to be a surprise.

No I want to know.

Eric let not start arguing again we can discuss it at home.

Ok I'll concede the point.

Here Mr. and Mrs. Cartman a DVD of your ultrasound please feel free to contact me if you have any further concerns I think we should schedule a follow up for three weeks from today congratulations on your perfectly healthy baby.

A/N another chapter hope you enjoy and now I of on a long weekend.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N set two weeks after previous chapter

Telephone rings…

This is the Broflovski's and its three o clock in the morning, so if someone isn't dead someone is about to be!

Hi Kyle, I'm really sorry but can I please speak to Bebe?

Bebe honey sorry to wake, you but Wendy's on the line and she really sounds upset about something.

Ok give me the phone.

Hi Wends what's wrong kiddo.

Bebe it's….. it's….. Cartman

What has that fat piece of shit done now!

It's three o clock in the morning and he hasn't come home from his boys night out with Kenny, he never stays out past twelve because he knows I don't like him to drink to much, what if something has happened to him.

Don't worry wends, I'm sure Kenny is just really celebrating that big commission he got from selling that new apartment, but I'll come over I can help you chew fatass out for worrying his pregnant wife.

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At door…..

Hi Bebe thanks for coming I'm really worried about Eric it's not like him to do something like this.

Hey you married fatass.

Bebe! He's a really good husband I know he loves and respects me.

Then why are you setting here alone at three thirty in the morning?

I don't know it's not like Eric to be out this late I'm sure something has happened at that is why I'm so upset.

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Cartman Telephone rings….

Hello this is Mrs. Cartman.

Hello Wendy it's me how are you feeling?

Where the hell are you Cartman I'm worried but also pissed of, if you have to know you were suppose to be home hours ago.

It's just we sort of had a little car accident.

What! Are you OK.

Yea broke my nose when I hit the dash and poor boy is fine, the car was totaled I'm afraid.

Should I come and get you guys? Did you go to the hospital?

Yea that's the thing the cops did take us to get checked out.

Cops! what the fuck did you do Cartman!

Well the thing is I drank I little to mush and….

Wait what! The arrested you for drunk driving!

No No I wanted to get a cab because I knew I was over the limit.

So the accident was in a cab?

God! Can I finish my story women?

Ok make it quick!

Well Kenny said fuck that he was fine, turns out he wasn't in the middle of the trip back he passed out behind the wheel and we hit a tree someone called the cops and they arrested Kenny.

You two are so fucking irresponsible! Someone could have been killed!

Yea I know well I pulled some strings and got Kenny bail can you please bring my checkbook down to the courthouse?

Ok Cartman but I'm going to kick your ass worse then fourth grade when I get there.

A/N

Added this for some drama to break the fluff a little.

This happened to me In my first year of university the cops were lenient with my buddy and only fined him for reckless driving.

Don't drink and drive!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N

This takes place at the courthouse immediately after the previous chapter.

Hi honey.

Don't you dare honey me, Eric goddamn Fartman I haven't been this angry at you for at least a decade. How the fuck can you be so careless, that tree you and Kenny hit could have been a family car you could have fucking killed someone you asshole.

Hey cool down, I really thought Kenny was fine and we could save on cab fare maybe it wasn't the booze maybe Kenny had a seizure.

Kenny was only arrested because he was legally intoxicated, you of all people should now the rules, here's your checkbook go and bail that son of a bitch out of jail before something happens to him.

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Hey thanks for bailing me out Cartman, I don't know how long I could have stayed in there.

Listen poor boy, you can thank god that I'm not beating you to deaf right this minute, you totaled my car, plus Wendy is super pissed at me over this entire situation.

Yea I'm very sorry about everything, I still have enough money to refund the bail and I will help out with the new car too I promise.

You better or I'll make you eat your parents.

Now go and get some rest your trail is tomorrow.

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Next day at court.

Now listen here Kenny, your going to plead guilty, we have no case and you don't want to piss the judge off, you have no priors and no one was hurt, you are going to have to relay on the mercy of the court.

All rise the honorable justice Winston presiding!

Mr. McCormick you are charged with driving under the influence of alcohol or a sedative with a narcotic effect how do you plead.

I plead guilty your honor, and I ask for the mercy of this honorable court

The plead is so noted, the decision of this honorable is as follows.

That you are sentenced as follows you will be fined $5000.00 to be paid of in five installments of $1000.00 monthly, the first is due today, further more your sentenced to 100 hours of community service, of which 50 hours are suspended for 4 years on the condition that you are not found guilty on the charge of driving under the influence committed within those 4 years, it is further more the judgment of this court that your license not be suspended but merely endorsed for a period of twelve months, the accused is dismissed.

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Thanks a lot Cartman! I thought you said they'd go easy on me if I plead guilty.

They did go easy on you Kenny, you didn't get any time you got a installment fine and half your community service was suspended.

Yea and what about that god damn endorsement on my license the insurance premiums are going to go through the roof.

At least they didn't suspend your license poor boy.

Yea speaking of poor can I borrow $1000.00 for that first installment?

Ok Kenny you are a fucking parasite aren't you.

A/N

I know a lot of the concepts in the sentence is not part of American law but is part of the magistrate court act of South Africa the trail was a little rushed thou.

Half a chapter of drama and then back to fluff.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N

Take place two days after Kenny's trail.

Wendy for the hundredth time I'm sorry about the accident.

The issue is not the accident Cartman, the issue is the drunk driving.

I wasn't driving it was Kenny and he is paying his debt to society, literally.

That still does not excuse how completely and utterly irresponsible you were.

At this point I'm willing to concede any point to you if I can just get back to sleeping in our bed, the couch is fucking uncomfortable.

No way Cartman, you can just sleep there for the rest of your life for all I care, goodnight I'm going to bed and I'm going alone I'm tired of fighting the stress is not good for the baby.

Uh man that is not cool not cool at all.

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The next evening

Wendy If got a big surprise for you!

What Cartman, you tried to murder another tree and failed.

Just come and see will you, fuck!

Watch it Cartman, I my still go and look for a divorce lawyer after all your resent crap.

See that Mercedes-Benz A Class in the drive way?

So, you had to buy a new car and you went a little over board.

That dear heart is your brand new 2013 Mercedes-Benz A Class.

Cartman I have a car and you don't at the moment what are you thinking!

I wanted to spoil you, I'll drive your Yaris until the Mercedes is paid off and then we can both get new cars.

Eric Theodore Catrman do you think I can be bought of that easily?

For fuck sake Wendy this is the most selfless thing I have ever done if you can't see that then I don't know what is wrong with you.

Cartman cut out the language and we can go celebrate my new car I think you well appreciate some time in your bed with your wife after the last couple of days.

Fuck yea

Eric just shut up and come to bed

Yes dear.

A/N

I wanted the drama to end and a R250.000 car would get forgiveness from most people besides Cartman has done far worse in his life.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N

This takes place at the 5th month of pregnancy

Hey, I want to know the gender hippy!

No Cartman, this is going to be a surprise, wouldn't you like that, just like a gift on Christmas morning.

Damn it hippy, be reasonable about this, we need to start picking baby names, we need to decorate the baby's room there is 100rds of things that still needs to be done, we need to know the gender of the baby before we can start anything.

Don't call me hippy! And it's not necessary to know the gender for the name and the room color we can pick a unisex type name and a gender neutral color.

God! You tell me not to call you hippy and then you spout all that hippy dippy shit I ain't picking no faggoty unisex name.

Shat up Cartman or were going to be late to the doctors appointment.

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At doctor's office.

Good afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Cartman I trust that you are well?

Yea yea were fine just get on with ultrasound doc.

Eric what have I told you before, be nice to the doctor his only doing his job in a professional manner.

Sorry doctor, I'm just kind of in a hurry the springboks are playing the wallabies and I don't want to miss the game.

Excuse me Mr. Cartman?

Sorry about my husband Doctor, he forgets that Rugby isn't that well known in America, the springboks are the South African national rugby team and the wallabies are the Australian there two of the toughest Rugby teams in the world both having won the world cup.

Oh I see well lets get this ultrasound started.

Lets see here, the baby looks healthy it's size is in the correct range, it's fingers and toes are well developed and can clearly be seen none of them appear together and are clearly individualized.

The eyebrows are forming and the gender organs appear to be healthy.

So doctor you can now tell the gender.

Yes it is clear if you know how to look, do you want to know Mr. Cartman.

No doctor it's fine.

Eric what's wrong.

Nothing I'm fine

Eric I can see something is wrong, what is it.

It's…. I just really wanted to know the gender.

Mr. and Mrs. Cartman I think I should get you two some privacy.

No Doctor it's fine.

Ok doctor you can tell us the gender, I love my Husband even if he's an ass sometime if he really wants to know the gender and it's not some game to him I can compromise what are we having.

Well Mr. and Mrs. Cartman your having a baby boy.

I'm having a son fuck yea now it will be two on one in the Cartman house.

Eric Language!

Sorry dear.

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At the Cartman house

I'm having a son, I'm having a son I wonder what's the smallest size springbok jersey they make.

Eric I'm happy that your so happy but your not pushing our child into anything, how many concussion did you have when you played.

Me no remember dah I'm kidding I had three but I played forward our son will probably be more like you and play in the back that don't get injured so much.

Your not pushing him he will decide, would you be this happy if it was a girl?

I'm very happy for a son but I would have loved a daughter the best of me and you would be great no matter the gender, I love you Wendy

I love you to Cartman.

A/N

Firstly I hope I didn't stereotype any Americans with the Rugby if you know your stuff I'm sorry.

Secondly I really appreciate my few loyal readers on this little journey I'm not Shakespeare I never pretended to be this is an escape for me in between paper work.

And thirdly I apologies in advance but this story will only be updated in October I have four days of back to back meetings and then twenty two days of leave.


	8. Chapter 8

A/ N

This takes place at the seven and a half months of pregnancy.

Eric wake up something's not right.

Wendy it's four in the morning and I have a lot to do tomorrow, what is your deal?

Eric I think I have started labor I'm feeling contractions.

What the hell, get dressed were going to the hospital right now and don't worry about packing I'll get poor boy to come get our stuff later, you and our son is my top priority right now.

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At hells pass

Hey you nurse were the hell is the fucking doctor, my wife needs him right this minute I thought we live in a free country not some back ass third world country.

Relax Mr. Cartman, we have phoned the doctor and he is on his way, your wife's contractions isn't regular and there is no sign that she is dilated I'm sure she is going to be fine.

What the hell do you know, your just a glorified cleaner I want to hear the opinion of someone that went to medical school.

Watch your attitude Mr. Cartman or my lawyer will have your ass for slander I believe you know him Kyle Broflovski.

Yea I know the dirty Jew rat just let me know when the doctor has finished with my wife.

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30 Minutes later.

Mr. Cartman the doctor has checked on your wife and can see you now.

About damn time.

Mr. Cartman how are you.

Fuck doctor, just get to the point already is Wendy and the baby alright, is she going to give birth this early, what the hell is going on.

Mr. Cartman relax, what your wife experienced was perfectly normal.

What do you mean normal.

Normal, because most women experience it without even feeling any thing.

Get to the point doctor will you, fuck!

Your wife experienced something called Braxton Hicks contractions which is mild contractions of the uterus it's perfectly normal and posses no danger to either mother or child.

So there fine, there safe.

Yes Mr. Cartman perfectly safe we can discharge your wife tonight.

Thank you doctor.

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At Cartman home.

Are you sure your alright Wendy?

Yes I'm fine Eric, you heard what the doctor told you it's perfectly normal.

It's just that I can imagine losing you or our baby.

Were both fine and I'm sticking around for a long time to come as long as you behave.

I will and there my be a nurse spreading some falls rumors so just ignore her ok.

I don't want to know I love you Eric Cartman.

I love you to Wendy.

A/N

I know I said in the last chapter that I will only update in October but a meeting got cancelled so enjoy and thanks to all my loyal readers.

And now on to a little personal rant not every country in Africa is the same, South Africa is nothing like the Congo or Ethiopia so please stop labeling just Africa (an Episode of the newsroom pissed me off by doing so.)

.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N

Wendy is full term let the show begin.

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Mister Cartman there is someone for you on line one.

Thank you Carol I'll take it in my office.

Good afternoon this is Eric Cartman at court management speaking.

Why so formal honey?

Oh hi Wendy, the fucking secretary didn't tell me it was you, for all I knew it could have been the chief Director calling hang on and all go tell the bitch how to handle your calls in the future.

No Eric don't go, my water has broken and I need you now.

Oh my god Wendy is the baby coming no I can't miss it no ,no ,no

Don't panic Eric it will likely still take hours for the baby to be born just come and take me to the hospital I'll be fine.

Ok honey see you soon.

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Arrival at hells pass

Doctor I need a god dam doctor.

Calm down sir what is your name and what seems to be the problem?

My wife is in labor and she needs to see a doctor NOW asshole, what has my name got to do with anything.

Eric I am still far away from active labor calm down and co-operate with the staff.

Ok sorry honey.

My name is Eric Cartman and this is my wife Wendy.

That's better Mr. Cartman we'll get your wife admitted while you do some paper work for us and don't worry from the look of it your wife is right she is still far away from active labor.

Thank you nurse please just get her to a doctor.

Don't worry just fill in the forms we will take care of the rest.

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10 Hours into labor

Remember what they taught us Wendy, breath everything is going to be fine.

Fuck you Cartman you did this to me you sick fuck god Ms. chocksondick was right pregnancy is the worst sexually transmitted disease there is aah!

Calm down honey is only the pain and hormones talking tomorrow with the baby you will be as happy as a clam.

Go stick broken glass up your ass and see if you will be happy ever again.

Hey bitch stop it a don't care if your not yourself if you keep insulting me I'll kill you.

Mr. Cartman calm down you are lucky you have no idea of the names I have heard husbands called over the years during labor previously they just didn't hear them as they were smoking cigars in the waiting room.

Ok sorry Wendy remember breath.

I hope your dick falls off Carman!

Breath honey Breath

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Minutes before birth

Come on Mrs. Cartman one more push and were done here.

I can't doctor I'm so very tired.

You can do it Wendy I believe in you

Ok I'll try

Good good Mrs. Cartman I can see the baby's head one more minute.

Go Wendy go

It hurts!

There you go Mrs. Cartman you have a baby boy congratulations.

Thank god it's over!

I can't believe it I'm a dad what should we do first call the guys our parents what.

Maybe we should think of a name first honey, before we call anyone.

How about Skywalker Cartman.

Don't be stupid Eric how about John

No I don't like it maybe he should be rick Cartman like me on Sexy School news.

Yea that doesn't sound bad rick it is hello there rick Cartman mommy and daddy loves you very much.

Yes daddy loves you and mommy very mush and you are going to be one bad ass rugby player.

Mommy will have to talk to daddy about that.

Wendy I love you and rick very mush thanks for the miracle you are.

We love you to Eric.

A/N

And with that the completion of my story. If you want a sequel message me.


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